The Cost of Playing Small: Ten Years of Lessons I Learned Too Slowly
This past August marked ten years since I started this business.
Ten years of showing up for clients, building something from nothing, and learning as I went. Looking back, I can see how much faster it could have gone, if I hadn’t spent so many of those years playing small.
Not in one big moment. In small, quiet ways, over and over, that added up to years of delay. Here are five of them, and what each one cost me before I finally learned it.
I avoided partnering closely with others, I was so afraid they’d find out I was no good.
Early in my business, I could see that my clients were getting something out of my coaching sessions. But deep down, I believed I was just winging it. That what I was doing wasn’t the professional right way. And if others saw me coach or got to know me more, they’d find out the truth that I wasn’t any good and I was just a fraud. If I partnered with other coaches, they’d see all the things I was doing wrong and I couldn’t face that.
A profound experience I had, 3 years into my business, proved me wrong. It was a collaboration I had with 3 heart-centred wonderful coaches. We created a little group and met regularly to talk about how we could work together. And although it didn’t materialize into a business opportunity, it was my first time feeling truly seen and respected as a coach by peers. I could finally see me the way my clients saw me, through my peers’ eyes.
I learned that collaborating with other people, the right people who supported me, could help me in ways I couldn’t help myself. I learned through others’ eyes that I was indeed a very good coach and that my skills were admired by others. I learned that I could grow more, go further and make a bigger impact in collaboration with others.
I kept my rates low to avoid rejection.
When my rates were low, it was easy for people to say yes. I made coaching very accessible to many people by keeping my rates low. I’d even lower them further so ‘price wouldn’t get in the way’ of working with them. I’d bend over backwards just so people felt more comfortable parting with their money. I did this all to avoid the horrible feeling of rejection. Because if people were saying no, it meant they were saying no to me as person. It meant I wasn’t worth paying for. It meant the ultimate rejection.
I learned by raising my rates I respected myself more. I felt more aligned with the value I set for what I was offering and providing the world. I also learned that my rate attracted the clients who were more my target market and were prepared to invest in themselves at that level. And by putting my financial needs more at the forefront, it ensured the success of my business – which meant I could help more people in the long run.
I pursued all potential clients, even if they weren’t a fit.
Many people would come my way looking for help. In the beginning, I said yes to everyone. Yes I’ll work with you. Yes I can help you. Yes you’ll have those results. Yes, I’ll be the one who will help you with that thing you’ve never been able to change. Because of my financial situation I was desperate to get clients and get coaching experience under my belt. I needed the money. But, some of these people I shouldn’t have worked with. Some of them I shouldn’t have been honest with and told them it wasn’t a fit. They either weren’t ready for change or they weren’t ready to do the deeper self-reflective or accountable work required for coaching. In the end they blamed their lack of results on me, and I absorbed all of it. I took it personally that I couldn’t help them, which shrunk my confidence even further.
I learned to be more upfront about my process and approach when talking to potential clients. By doing this we could both figure out early on if it was a fit, instead of dealing with the consequences, challenges and disappointment later on. I learned that my coaching style isn’t a fit for everyone, and that’s ok. The more honest and upfront I am early on, the easier it is to discern and find my ideal customer and the more successful my coaching engagements are.
I spent too much time on marketing while avoiding direct outreach.
I love doing my own graphic design. In fact, I’ve done it my whole life with all the different small businesses I’ve run. And, I’ve done all my own design work over the ten years of running my coaching business, except for my logo and the recent version of my website. I could get lost for hours creating marketing material, refining my website, creating landing pages or social media posts. But it also became a place I hid out. I hid out here for too long from the actual people I needed to talk to. It was safer hiding behind my computer than picking up the phone, talking to people, risking rejection or sounding like an idiot.
I learned that spending some time on marketing is important but it can be way of hiding out and procrastinating. What actually moves the needle in terms of business success is directly talking to people and building real relationships. Picking up the phone, having conversations, meeting people in person and having the courage to ‘make the ask’ – whatever that ask is – is the fastest and most direct way of getting traction, momentum and ultimately experiencing success.
I didn’t think I was smart enough to coach smart and successful people.
I remember thinking often ‘those people are so smart and successful, there’s no way they’re going to want me to coach or help them’. I put myself below others and didn’t feel I was good enough to be taken seriously as a coach. I was so nervous talking to senior leaders and worried they’d find me out – as a fraud. And so, I hesitated to approach successful and large companies who could give me those bigger and long-term coaching contracts. I was so afraid of being found out about my lack of intelligence and ability to do the job.
The thing I learned, that was probably the hardest – and is honestly still a work in progress – is that I am smart enough to coach smart and successful people. I don’t have to know what they know, I don’t have to have the professional roles and accolades that they do and I don’t even have to earn as much money as they do. I learned that I have a gift and a specialised set of skills that frees people up from themselves and unlocks potential they never knew existed. I know that people feel seen, heard, understood and validated in our work together and that allows them to get unstuck and get on with doing amazing things in their work and lives. I know that through my work I’ve witnessed greatness, tremendous courage and people transforming and reinventing themselves in a way that still surprises and amazes me.
All these things I did in my early years kept me small. They kept me believing this inner narrative that I somehow wasn’t good enough, smart enough or successful enough to be taken seriously as a coach. And it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. All these things got in the way of my success. They held me back. They limited my ability to consistently attract clients. They kept me stuck in a mindset of scarcity – never enough clients, never enough money. And so, the prophecy was getting fulfilled – the prophecy of not being good enough to be successful.
These lessons were costly. Playing small did delay my success, I know that for sure. But they’ve also shaped who I am now and I wouldn’t go back and change them. And I share them honestly with you, so that maybe you don’t spend the time I did playing small. I share them so you can address these things faster, get the help and support you need and get on with having that success you dream of – whatever that may be for you.